


Lonley Moonlight

by menswera



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Ryan Ross - Fandom, Ryden - Fandom, brendon urie - Fandom, rydon - Fandom
Genre: Kinky boots, M/M, Post-Split, brodway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 03:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10982889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/menswera/pseuds/menswera
Summary: Ryan goes to see Kinky boots.





	Lonley Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> This has a few kinky boots spoilers, not that many just what happens in the final number and i mention a few songs that are in the musical. so yeah, that's aboout it.

I hold the ticket in my hand, this is real. I'm actually going.

I rub my eyes and my legs feel weak. We got off the airplane a few hours ago and now we're inside the hotel. I lay in bed and stare at the sealing too tired to do anything, regret began to kick in this was a really bad idea, what if he sees me? Don't think you're that important Ryan, there will be thousands of people there and he'll probably be so nervous that he doesn't even pay attention to the audience. Get over yourself.

I need to lower my expectations for tonight because I would be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized about spending these moments with Brendon. The image so clear in my head. After seeing him pour his heart out on stage and being overtaken with joy from the performance I would go back stage with a bouquet of roses and kiss him on the cheek, after giving him the flowers he would probably cry, I remember him being pretty emotional back then, and I'd whisper into his ear how extremely proud I am of everything he's done.

Daniel dumps all of his weight on my stomach distracting me from my sad daydream.

"Get off, why are you such a prick?" I yell, pushing him off me.

"Why are you so mopey? You could've stayed in LA, you can be sad there.

"I'm not sad I'm just used to all of it, there is nothing new so no reason to get excited." I think this disappointed or angered him, I can't tell.

"Cities don't stay the same dumby. A lot of thing change" he giggled as if what he said was funny. I sit on the edge of the bed, the sheets smell weird.

"But memories don't and I have some bad memories here and I'm chasing after them, fuck." i groan loudly pulling at my hair in frustration.

"I have a feeling that this is about something else.. " he mumbled nervously.

"What, about Brendon? Is that what you think it is because it's not." You're getting way too defensive, change the subject.

"I didn't even mention brendon" he took a few steps back from me looking confused.

"Look, it's just that I'm sick of this place okay, can't I just hate something in peace without having to explain myself?"

"If you're so sick of New York why did we come here?" silence stretched between us, he knew about what happened between me and brendon but it still felt wrong to say it out loud and, goddammit it's been what? Eight years and I'm still hung up on the thought of him.

"I'm, I'm sorry, you're right. We should go out and do some thing i guess. It's a beautiful city you'll love it" my lips curve into a forced smile, he was right I didn't spend five hours on a very uncomfortable small seat in an airplane to lock myself up and throw a pitty party. I make a mental list of places we should visit the placed that he would enjoy, ice cream maybe, or central park.

The show was at 8 pm so I still had time to get ready. I hang my bag on my shoulder as we head outside, it's a nice day with bright yellows and greens, a rare splash of orange here and there. The sky was partly covered by cotton soft clouds but rays of light broke through them, a light breeze carried leaves down the streets and across town. Or at least that's how Daniel describes it, for me it's just sun in my eyes, hot weather and a very annoying ocasional blow of the wind.

After only a few minutes I can't find Daniel, he would not stop talking about how exited he was about New York and I don't think I've ever rolled my eyes so many times, I didn't mean to be an asshole to him he's a good friend but he was saying a lot of stupid shit. Maybe I've just lost my sense of wonder and my heart is now numb or dead. I've been here so many times I'm becoming sick of the scenery, the building weren't as tall and the lights were now blurred and dull, the people seemed happier before or is that just me?

I look around and I see Daniel running and taking pictures of everything and everyone, strangers giving him glares. He looks like a puppy, but it's a happy puppy so i let it slide. After loosing sight of him he comes back with two huge ice-cream cones and the biggest smile.

"One for you and one for me" this surprised me to be honest I thought he didn't bring any money, so I thank him and we walk around a few streets trying to always be aware of the time and were the theater was just in case.

"So Ryan" he starts "Does Brendon know you're here?"

"I don't know, it's all over twitter thanks to that stupid picture you posted. I wanted it to be a surprise." It won't be a pleasant surprise, do you think you can just appear out of nowhere? What if he's thrown off and messes up it'll be your fault. "I should probably tell him" i say reaching for my phone, but Daniel stops me shaking his head as if he knew what I was thinking.

"Let it be a surprise, besides it's not you still have feelings for each other so it doesn't have to be weird, you know?" fuck, technically I don't really want anything with him (I think), it's just I need some closure. I need to get the chance to spill my thoughts out to him and maybe even be friends.

"Yeah, it's only as awkward as we make it. Do you think I should go congratulate him after the show?" the ice cream is melting onto the back of my hand so i lick it clean and Daniel looks at me with disgust but he laughs.

"I don't think that would be the best idea" damn it would be a little over the line, let's take baby steps. "But do whatever you think he would be comfortable with, we don't want any of you to make a scene because that would just pull you guys apart" The fictional scenario plays in my head and my eyes widen in fear, are the probability of this situation happening high? Should I just not congratulate him or go back home?

"D-Do you think we should go back? We still have time to catch a plane" I stutter nervously, I look at the time and the show is approaching fast what am I going to do now.

"God, you're so dramatic. We are going to the show to support someone who we think is talented and enjoy their work, nothing more. We'll have a great or horrible time and we can get something to eat later. What do you think about my plan?" he said hanging his arm around my neck.

"Sounds amazing honestly" and a smile forms on my face but it's genuine this time and it feels warm and nice, I like it.

He wraps his arm around me and I push it back. "Easy on the touching, we're not that close yet." I chuckle noticing that I finished my ice-cream but I'm still hungry.

-

After going to McDonald's and stuffing ourselves with empty calories and greasey food it's finally time for the show. We get a taxi to the theater and my heart is pounding inside my chest, my lungs feel restricted and I was starting to panic again.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

It'll be fun, you'll see brendon and after this you can go back to enjoying your solitude and write things you'll never release.

We arrived right on time and we take our seats in the fifth row facing the stage, we got the tickets close but not close enough for him to see me, although I really hope he does.

The lights go out and the curtains pull open revealing a cast scattered on stage and the piano melody started playing with Charlie's dad singing about the most beautiful thing in the world, a few numbers in and the crowd is in love with Lola, the music is spectacular and Brendon gets a giggle from everyone every now and then. Fuck he looks so happy, which makes my heart melt and not to mention he looks so fucking good. My favorite song by far is 'the sex is in the heel' the lights, the props the costumes everything is beyond spectacular, who knew that Brendon would be such an amazing actor. Every note that came out of his mouth was in perfect tune, swaying with the music, dancing and laughing.

During the final number when he came on wearing the over the knee sparkly red boots it was amazing, he looked great in heals as he stumbled down a runway to be joined by Lola shortly after and she presents her collection of 'Kinky Boots'. During Charlie and Lola's solo he looks at me, I swear he's looking straight at me and doesn't look away, the worst things possible come to mind, he might stop singing do to shock, he might scream at me, he might ignore me and I think that would be the one that would hurt the most but much to my surprise he smiles. And I feel butterflies fill my stomach, I tap Daniel's arm repeatedly and I'm basically freaking out. I now get why teen fangirls feel the way they do.

"Did you see that?" I whisper to him, a grin stretching from ear to ear.

"What the English outfit?" he looked frustrated, he was really enjoying the show.

"No, he smiled at me. How did you not see that?"

"I think it's all in your head Ry, let me just watch the end you can tell me all about the smiling when we get out"

All of the characters line up to dance and take a final bow. Most of the people get up and I clap so hard my hands are now a slight shade of red. I told Daniel I wasn't doing to do this but as he was making his way toward the exit I stayed for quite a while till it was almost empty and found my way backstage trying to formulate the perfect conversation starters. "Hi Brendon, remember me? I left the band a few years ago" no, that won't work. "I loved it you were amazing" that could be a bit better or maybe just a simple....

"Hey" I hear someone behind me it's Brendon. I examine his face and he's a little taller now I smirk at the memory of him having to stand on his tip toes to kiss me because I wouldn't bend down (just to be an asshole).

Say something Ryan! I couldn't get fully formed words out and stood there a few seconds with a dopy look and a slightly open mouth "Um Hi, brendon" my eyes keep flickering from his eyes to his mouth, he is right in front of me. He's taken the boots off and I'm kind of disappointed, I would've liked to see him trying to not bend his ankles in the heels.

"You.. actually came. i thought it was just an internet thing, you know how shit starts" he beamed looking down at his shoes, he actually wanted me here.

"Yeah it's a huge thing i mean... broadway, your fucking dream. How could I not come?" the smile doesn't disappear from his face and he's blushing now.

"It's not that big of a deal" he giggled "And I was really really nervous, i'm pretty sure it was very obvious i messed up a few times but it's so much better that i could ever imagine" Why does he do that, make it seem like it's not such a big deal. "I'm like happy right now, not smile for the camera kind of happy it's amazing and with you here...."

"I'm not staying for long though. I'm leaving tomorrow, I have some things to do at home just came for the show" I shrug.

"Oh... um... Really? I was kind of hoping we could talk a little or hang out." he said and let out a disappointed sigh scratching the back of his neck. "You kind of disappear all of a sudden and god knows when I'll see you again" he giggled.

"Yeah, I'm working on some music stuff, but we do talk, sometimes..."

"Yeah but only text and... you never reply" he adds sheepishly toning his voice down a bit.

"Well I... I'm sorry but I just get busy sometimes"

"Yeah I-I get it, it happens"

"Well you could walk me to my hotel, it's not that far away. We can even get something on the way." I check my phone and I have a few missed calls from Daniel and I bit on my lip, I literally forgot about him, but he's in the hotel already I think so he'll be fine.

We walk around the back and try to avoid large groups of people, this feels nice but also very awkward.

We break through the uncomfortable wall between us and we start to talk, and talk and talk and many things come up the past, especially the past, we're both a bit sad about that part but he quickly changes the subject to what he want to do in the future. His eyes are so bright with hope and aspiration he was so exited about life and everything it had to offer.

We're lost right now but it doesn't matter because that means we can talk for a little bit more. Daniel has been calling quite a few times, I feel the phone vibrate in my pocket but I can't distract myself from this, from him. We make right turn on the next street we saw but that as useless and now we're even more confused that we were a few moments ago. We thought about asking for direction but Brendon would never let me, much too proud and I would never ask, way too shy. So we turned back and kept walking maybe if we were lucky we would be able to find the damn hotel without asking for help.

"So... Any plans for the near future?" Brendon asked smiling.

"Well I don't really know what will happen but I've been writing a lot lately and I already recorded some stuff but I'm not sure if it's ready to publish. I'm kind of scared that they won't like it." I look down at my shoes, worn out and the color was beginning to fade.

"That's amazing Ry, I was wondering when you were releasing new stuff. And don't worry everyone gets nervous but you are the most fucking talented person I know, believe me they'll love it, they already worship you."

"Yeah but they like fever, pretty odd, take a vacation, that's completely different from the new material and no one reacts kindly to such a drastic change, I always feel all this pressure of everything being extremely theatrical or elaborate, use long words and all of that shit so people know it's me."

Brendon frowned and stopped me, taking both of my hands while looking at me dead in the eyes.

"Listen to me, you are so wonderful, your music moves people. And you have such a unique way of doing it" he laughed "Of course a few people won't like it but screw them! There will be thousands of people who love it. People would kill to be half as good as you, I know you can do it"

The small space between us disappears when I step closer and kiss him but he pulls away quickly looking confused.

"I'm sorry I just..." i mumble.

"Why did you do that? I have a wife now, I'm married I can't do this to her." he said nervously, walking away as fast as he can.

"Brendon wait!" I scream.

"What did you think was gonna happen?"he yelled from a few feet away "That I would leave her for you or that we would have this passionate affair? You can't just come in and out of my life when you feel like it. It fucking hurts so bad to see you distance yourself from me, to the point where we're not even friends anymore." his voice cracked and tears began to fill my eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I say in between sobs "I just miss you so much, I come back to you but I know it won't end well so I just leave. It hurts me too, it hurts me a lot and in all honesty I don't think we can ever be friends, I will always see you as my other half as cheesy as it may sound" the tears turn into giggles and I wipe my eyes. Brendon comes closer with glossy eyes.

"I've missed you too, but there's nothing we can do about it anymore I've made a life with her, I moved on. I'm happy." I let out a disappointed sigh, I can't blame him for doing so it's been 8 years but I just wish things have happened differently. He wraps his arms around me and I lean into him, he's really warm. "You gonna be okay?"

I nod and hug him a little tighter before I leave and he kisses me one last time "For old times sake" he says.


End file.
